From the heart of the matter...

So tonight I'm all over the place in emotions. I want the summer to end, I want this weekend to come. I want next weekend to come. I want to talk to Wes but I can't figure out what's happened to him. I'm worried that he's not really who he says he was. (he's a guy i talk to from texas)... but really, i'm still trying to figure out who I am. I have most of it figured out, for now.. and I seem to have my act together, but I still hold back. I can't do that anymore. All I want to do is have someone really want to know my heart. I want to open up and show someone exactly who I am, no secrets, nothing held back. But it's really hard for me. I don't want to be hurt again. It's not fair to other people who won't hurt me, but since I know what sin can do to people, I know the reality is that it's likely that I may get hurt again.
I want to get married. I want to be in love. I want someone to love me. It's hard for me to say that because for some reason I see that as a weakness. My parents' marriage didn't work out, but it's good that it didn't because my mom and my dad are nothing alike in any way. But also if they had never gotten married in the first place, I wouldn't be here. So I can't be afraid to make mistakes. I just wish I could decide who I wanted to become vulnerable with. I'd love to share the rest of my life with the same guy.. but how likely is that in our culture?
I've known many guys who just play with my mind, who have had girlfriends while they've asked me out, who've just wanted me physically and had no care in the world whether I was smart or dumb, opinionated or a clone. Just as long as their desires were met. I'm not a toy. I'm a person. There's supposed to be more to it then just what I look like, whether I have a nice body or not. IF anyone wants to take the time to talk to me and find their way in to my heart, then I say go for it. But I need to know how to be open for someone to do that...one thing I've learned is a lot of guys don't want a challenge with romance. They want it to be easy. Some of you males are saying it's not true...prove it.
I'm stubborn because I'm fragile. I appear strong and independant because I won't hurt myself, or break my own heart. I take risks with a lot of things in life, but not with my heart.
I am in love with Jesus and I want to be able to share that with someone else.
I remember one day Peter asked me what I look for in a guy- this was when he was still trying to figure out who I liked... and I avoided answering the question because that made me vulnerable and easier to understand. I don't make sense because I want to be understood, but I don't want it to be easy to understand me. Devotion, truth, trust are all so important to me, but to finally answer your question Peter, I look for someone who is a devoted Christian, who has a passion driving their life, who loves to travel and learn about other cultures, who is intelligent, and can make me laugh. I could care less what they looked like if their heart was in it 100%. If they were as tall or taller than me, it would be a plus. I'm a tall girl. It would also be nice if they loved music-- any kind of music as long as they appreciated it for the right reasons.. but I'm not going to be picky. In all fairness, the only two important things are A Strong, Devoted Christian who can make me laugh..
someone who will understand that I am more than skin deep, and will take the time to get to know me, and put the effort in that is needed to break past my barriers.
So the truth is.. I long for love but I hide it because I see that as a weakness. I've learned to take care of myself, and I've never had a father who could help shape the girl I've become....so why would I need a male to help me with anything?
It's a filthy lie. Everyone needs someone. I just want someone to see my lies for what they are.
So here I am world. Still attempting to hold nothing back.