Me again...
I've been wondering what was laying so heavy on my heart, not being able to label it as anything, or give words to it..
but i think i've figured it out finally... as i am listening to Hillsong United and will be seeing them on Saturday in Toronto. I expect it to be a life changing event, and I'm sure it will be...
I've realized that I'm scared.
which, you might say, is nothing new..I'm always scared. But this time it's big.
God is asking me to move to a different CONTINENT for a year- away from my family and best friends...all in His name. And I feel so amazing about it, like in awe that He would choose to use ME...but at the same time it frightens me because my mom's my best friend and I need her support and I can't take her with me. It is inevitable to grow up..and i've already begun...and I am independent of my mother, but I'm not separate from her love. She's been there unconditionally for me for 7400 days of my life (which is every day i was alive...not including the 9 months and a few days in her stomach)...and thinking about 365 days without her is a VERY hard thought.
but besides the guilt i'd feel for missing out on a year of everyone's life, i think i would feel even guiltier if i said no to God and stayed here.. I don't want to be like Jonah. I don't want to take off in the exact OPPOSITE direction that He calls me, only to end up realizing there is no where I can flee from Him. He will find me.
I desire nothing more and nothing less than to obey His commands and let His will be done, not my own.
but I'm also a bit confused and worried because I don't want to think about it until everything comes in to place...I don't REALLY want it affect my decisions now but I can't help it. I'm trying to figure out God's plan (which is ridiculous, it has to unfold on it's own...it's a part of God's mystery and power) but I'm thinking "how can I possibly fall in love and have a relationship, which is what i thought i wanted and was in store....if I am only going to go to Australia in less than three years, for an entire year?"
but I guess God has that figured out. maybe i'll marry an Australian...maybe I won't. Maybe I will find someone here that just happens to have the same calling and same passion for travel, for God, for life, that I do....
God has it figured out, and I can trust that.
But sometimes my mind wanders with possibilities.
i know i'm not gunna hold myself back just because of this plan 3 years from now... i can't let it diminish any plans God has for TODAY.

be blessed in knowing God still uses His children. Listen for the plan He has for you, it's bigger than this.