Words are so valuable to me. One word could make or break my day. It's sometimes astonishing to me...when I least expect it someone could say one sentence out of the blue and totally shake me up. Words are powerful. It's likely that a negative comment could erase all the positives I've received in a day, but also kind words can change so much of how I feel about myself....
Another thing I realized today is that no matter what, we're all human. We may talk or act a certain way, and inside we could be feeling something completely different. We shut the world out when it comes to personal struggles, fears, insecurities. We all wear some sort of a mask, even when we're trying our hardest not to.
God's really been teaching me about honesty lately. I've come to learn that it's not so scary telling people how I really feel, and what I really think. It's okay not to have it all together, because no one does. It's fine to question things, and being real is so much more rewarding than hiding the truth.
So here it is, plain and simple. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I struggle so much with relationships. I don't know why I think I have to be in control of my world, when I'm asked to be in complete, utter abandonment, giving all my struggles to God, the holiest of holies. I just want to wear a sign saying "I give up, I gave it up to God. I'm a mess" so people will know that while I try to be a firm foundation for my friends in their time of need, I can't be my own rock...I ACTUALLY do need other people in my life to help me. I hate feeling helpless, and needing things. I like to provide for myself. As Bowlby says .... I'm a compulsive-self reliant person. I lacked the desire to form attachments as a child because my father broke those attachments when he walked out of my life. I have been afraid to get close because I've grown up expecting people to leave. I'm slowly getting over that, thanks be to God, but it's a long process. I know I need people, I want attachments, I want to be married some day, I want to fall in love.... I know all of that, but I still have to admit that I need help getting there.
So there it is. My plea.
While giving a friend advice tonight, I also took something from my advice that will be helpful in my life. It's not okay to settle.
It reminds me of the switchfoot song that says "we were made for so much more"
Being happy, and being content are two different things. Usually I think of contentment as a good thing, but in this case I don't. Being content in this context makes it feel like "okay, this will do." being genuinely happy involves a lot more effort.
I want to put effort in to something.